Season two of UnREAL might be over, but the gay version of The Bachelor has finally arrived!
Logo’s Finding Prince Charming premiered following a new episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, and it was glorious. Naturally, the majority of the 90-minute episode takes place in what was presumably once Bryan Singer’s pool before moving to a circle drive for a shot-for-shot remake of a certain rose ceremony elimination. Instead of roses, though, the lucky contestants received black ties, which probably sounded better than it looked. Maybe in episode two Prince Charming will just hand out cufflinks instead of awkwardly trying to adjust ten neckties while (supposedly) 4-10% of America watches.
A few first impressions:
(1) So. Much. Eyebrow waxing.
(2) Justin’s shoe game is positively Bradshaw-esque.
(3) Constance Zimmer and Shiri Appleby would be soooo good in this.
Now, let’s get down to the cast:
Robert: Prince Charming himself, Robert is an interior designer with Reed Richards-hair living in Atlanta who just can’t seem to find his soulmate, or a PR firm capable of thoroughly scrubbing the internet of all trace of his previous life as a rent boy (Google it if you dare).
Sam: Sam is the resident ‘roid rager. Later episodes will almost certainly feature him rabidly spewing protein powder and obscenities into Robby’s face before being escorted off the set by the kind of cops who keep their clothes on.
Robby: Robby is a grown-up Kurt Hummel minus the Rachel Berry surrogate baby. He’s a beauty expert who uttered the line, “Why be a 9 when you can be a 10?” before mischievously turning Nick from a 6 to a 4 with a spray tan gun.
Nick: “The Sweaty One” (a topic of discussion he initiated himself), is the unfortunate victim of Robby-the-beauty-expert’s amateurish spray tan efforts. Before you feel pity for him, remember that he’s from Jersey.
Dillon: Dillon might rival Sam in his capacity for ruthless pursuit of the prize. He’s not here to make friends, he’s in it to win it. Yes, this show has that guy. Of course it does.
Paul: Paul is the obligatory sob-story contestant who isn’t entirely sure if he’s ready to reopen up his heart. He’s also really into short dudes, which could pose a problem for Robert, who, in good shoes, imagines he’s taller than 6 feet.
Brandon: Brandon is the hard knocks contestant. He was disowned by his parents before his best friend’s family took him in. He could be a contender though (or at least get more screen time), especially once Paul gets sent back to the Shire.
Brodney: Like Robert, Brodney lives in Atlanta. They go to the same gym, so they’ve crossed paths a few times before, ‘cause it’s a small small small gay world. And, because Brodney probably saw what Robert did in the steamroom, he’s sadly one of the first to go despite being one of the most eligible (that is to say, most handsome and least insane) bachelors on the show. Here’s hoping he’s Prince Charming next season.
Justin: Justin is a Frankie Grande impersonator from Seattle, at least one would assume. He won’t win, but he might get a correspondent gig at E!.
Chad: Chad is adorable and deserves to win. Calling it now.
Danique: Oh, Danique. Cast in the supporting role of the sweet best friend, he will probably make it through a few more dates before being tearfully sent home.
Charlie: AKA “WhatTheF__kChuck” (no really, that’s his self-suggested hashtag) graces the screen courtesy of the great state of Wisconsin. Who knew there was anything from Wisconsin that gay men could care less about than the Packers or cheese?
Eric: At 35, Eric is the oldest contestant on the show. He’s also the contestant most likely to be mistaken for a hair and makeup crewmember who accidentally wandered into frame. Still, he seems genuinely nice; hopefully later episodes will give him a better chance to connect with audiences.
Jasen: Jasen is one of those guys from Jersey who claims to be from NY. Luckily, he should get sent home in time to catch the next PATH train. #HobokenCalling